OK, so I've been considering for the last couple of weeks what to start this blog back up with - there's been so much going on in my head for the last while that I'm finding it a challenge to unjumble it all to choose a topic to start with. Today it came to me.
A few weeks ago I visited my mom and brother's family out of town. Its been quite some time since I've travelled up there, its a long way and with COVID and my work situation it hasn't been easy to get away. Anyway, normally we visit with some of their friends while I'm up there, so I asked, "What's going on with Mr and Mrs X?" (for reasons that will soon become clear, I will refrain from using their names). I got the scoop.
The short version of the story was that Mrs X recently told Mr X that she wanted a divorce - (NO!) - and she declared to him that not only was she going to keep the house and the kids, he was going to pay her bills for her - (NO!!) - and I mean, not just give her money, ACTUALLY pay her bills so she didn't have to be burdened by this responsibility (...say WHAT...?).
I wasn't aware of this, but she hasn't been able to work for quite a while as she has a physically debilitating disease, so she has been financially dependent on Mr X (as well as a small disability pension) for years. Anyway, apparently since declaring her demands, she has been broadcasting to her friends that she is such an empowered woman now. Strong. Yes, that's right - a feminist.
So it was at this point in the chronicle that I nearly dropped my gin and tonic. Mouth agape, I stood up, fumed, paced around a while, and then launched into another of my signature lectures on "The Wrongness of All of This"(tm). Its been percolating in the back of my mind ever since, and I just feel like I need to get it down on paper here.
I was shocked of course by the demise of what I thought was a pretty solid relationship, and about the heartbreak of a very decent guy that didn't deserve to be shit on like this by the mother of his children. But what really stuck in my craw was her identification with feminism. How the heck did she get that idea in her head? How can a woman who intends to spend the rest of her days dependent on a man's finances have the gall to call herself empowered, just because she is divorced? That isn't even close to what feminism is!
I can only imagine that she must have been complaining to a girlfriend or a therapist that she didn't have the confidence to leave since she cant actually fend for herself, and her therapist/friend gave her the encouragement to follow through by telling her that she was strong, and presto, suddenly, the Feminist Club has a new member!
This the story certainly did bring up some important questions that need to be answered, and really they need to be answered by "feminism" - because they've certainly been asked before - by the many angry men who have been dumped by their wives who remain dependent on them afterwards and call themselves feminists - and the answers they've come up with are really terrible, and part of the reason so many people in the world today are so anti-feminist. THIS is exactly the sort of feminist that draws so much ire in MRA circles.
This is actually something I've been wanting to discuss for several years in a different context, but never really had the clarity of mind on the subject. I've encountered this anti-feminist anger and denial so many times over the years, as I'm sure all feminists have, and usually all we have to say is "You don't understand what feminism is!" Its such a lame thing to say unless you actually have the answer to that ever-present question:
What is feminism exactly? Who deserves the right to call themselves one?
This is a question that's been pondered by millions of feminists over the generations, while receiving varying degrees of verbal assault for trying to propose a definition. Many complicated answers have been offered. Here is mine, and its a very simple one.
Feminism is the the philosophical quest for the independence of women.
I think of it like a practice, a discipline, similar to yoga or meditation, but for the betterment of women. Its the process of developing your skills as an independent thinker, an independent actor, an independent earner. It's the movement towards full agency as an individual.
It doesn't really sound so problematic when you put it like that, does it? Why does it generate so much anger? Why do so many women who clearly are feminists deny being one?
Well of course, one major part of the reason is that SO many women call themselves feminist without doing the work of self-improvement. They go to a yoga class, bought themselves some Lululemon tights, and presto, they think they're a Yogi. If you stop after the first step, you aren't a feminist, you're just a person who borrowed the power of feminism to justify your decisions because you lack the strength to continue the work.
So yes, haters, I can hear you already, saying who does she think she is telling us what feminism is?? Well, I think I'm a feminist, that's who, and I'm saying that you have to earn that title.
I'm only saying this because the term feminist has really taken a shit-kicking over the last decade, and with absolute certainty I say that the reason is because it has become like a flag you wave to identify yourself in this culture of identity politics - a t-shirt you wear when it suits you, rather than the training of becoming a better person, which is what the point of it all was! - and that really pisses me off.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not putting anyone down, or kicking anyone out of the club. But I am judging. If you aren't going to move towards real independence, then you've really just abandoned the discipline after you got the limited result you wanted, and you didn't really understand feminism at all. You have not earned the right to consider yourself a feminist.
And I'm definitely not saying if you're unhappily married that you shouldn't divorce just because you're forced to be financially dependent afterwards. I'm just saying divorcing your husband doesn't make you a feminist - that's just the first class you went to. Keep practicing if you want to be in that esteemed league.
Anyway... another reason I see this concept of feminism as being problematic is because men really have historically flourished in the world as the result of women being dependent - the "dependent female" identity is the partner to the traditionalist "heroic male" identity. If women don't need men, then what purpose do men serve?
This is not an insult to men, not at all. I DEFINITELY do not believe that men aren't capable of success without it. But no one can deny that they have historically become accustomed to it, they have built their mythological identity upon it, and an unfortunate many of them have not yet figured out how to be "men" in their own right without relating to this masculine identity.
I can definitely see why women's independence creates a problem for some of these men, but it is my genuine hope that men can find their way to be something beyond this stagnant identity. I believe in the "Independent Man" too, I don't think its necessary for him to hate feminism to become one, and I think that we can find our way to live in this world together and love each other without dependency or role playing. But it only works if we are willing to grow beyond the identity politics.
Maybe that's just a dream, but its a great dream. I dream we can all be better people if we cast the old traditions aside that keep us from growth. More on this another time.
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